The Battle to Stop Binging Eating

I keep saying it’s the last time.

Emily Ann Mark

--

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

It’s February 1.

My attempt to start the new year with a clean streak of eating healthy and no binging was sabotaged by day, well one.

I have a poor relationship with my body and food. I struggle deeply with bouncing back to a healthy weight. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

As I’m now forty years old with achy knees that sound crunchy when I bend. Chronic back pain that’s annoying as hell. And a pre-diabetic warning from the doctor, the clock is ticking much faster.

I’m not getting any younger. But I imagined I’d age more gracefully too.

In my pregnancies, my weight shot up. With much willpower, I’d lose the weight after giving birth, but it would never stay off. My willpower wasn’t enough.

Depression and anxiety played a factor. And how I cope with stress is the number one reason why I binge.

Food helps me feel better.

Indulging in something satisfying takes the edge off. It sends me into a high where I experience pleasure. I look forward to numbing myself with the decadent taste of something rich and comforting.

I’m not thinking properly when I binge. I know I shouldn’t be doing it, I feel more anxiety when I’m doing it, but I do it anyway.

This is it, no more, I’d tell myself.

Last week, on an evening when I swore it was the last time I’d binge and start a serious diet the following day, I took a late drive to get an iced coffee.

No big deal right.

But when I’ve already maxed myself out the two hours prior by eating until I couldn’t eat anymore, the last thing I needed was a sugary drink to top it off.

It’s an emotional reaction. I’m anxious I vowed I wouldn’t indulge anymore. So I’ll indulge one last time. But one last time has become a million times now in the past few years.

On my drive to get my coffee, my sister called. I had to pause our conversation so I could order my drink, I couldn’t wait as I knew our phone call…

--

--

Emily Ann Mark

My stories. My life. Some sad. Some happy. A mixture of in between. Divorce, love, failures, & success. Come join me.